Nudist RIICHI
by vanerz
Summary: Nudist Beach holds a mahjong tournament to boost morale. Kan they have a fair match? Or will the players chi-t their way to glory? Who will have victory thrust u-pon them? May the best man pin! Knowledge of riichi mahjong is required to enjoy. Probably discontinued... Sou-rry :c
1. Ping PON Circulate

**Notes:** This was born, as are many story ideas, in the shower. Nothing like hot fumes to get the puns coming. I'll keep working on this slowly. Any ideas or comments are appreciated!

(Sorry in advance for the somewhat niche topic...)

* * *

**Chapter 1:**** Ping PON Circulate**

* * *

The air was flush with anticipation. The normally bustling base was still. One man sped as silently as possible to the centre hall, where the main event was taking place.

Despite his efforts, his entry did not go unnoticed.

"SANAGEYAMA!" Gamagoori roared, lowering himself quite the distance to look him in the eye. "YOUR LATENESS IS DISRESPECTFUL!"

"Sshh!" A woman Sanageyama only knew as that excitable No-Star friend of Matoi Ryuko's mother turned and tutted at the both of them. She looked as sweet as strawberries to his Mind's Eye, but Gamagoori stiffened up and spun forward as if she'd just stuffed some chilli croquettes up his ass.

Further up the room, someone – the commentator – cleared his throat. Everybody immediately craned their necks as close to – aw, hell.

Those were viewing screens. Why had he even bothered to turn up?

* * *

"A-hem. Testing, testing. Yes, the microphone seems to be working fine."

"Get on with it, Mister! Everyone's waiting."

"Quite right. My apologies. Many of you are no doubt aware that there have been a few tournaments recently. You might even have participated in them! Well, this is the one we've all been waiting for. It's the one that all the winners of the past tournaments come to stake their honour and glory in! Welcome... to the Nudist Beach Mahjong Finals!"

"_Put some more spirit into it, come on!"_

"_Bo-ring!"_

"_You Honnouji kids really don't know how to throw a party!"_

The commentator ignored them. "Here today to give you a live commentary are myself, Iori 'Eally Should Be Working On That Thing' Shirou, and our latest arrival, 'I'm 12 and what is this'... Mankanshoku Mataro!"

"Hell yeah, Mister Sewer! Mankanshoku Mataro newly arrived and reporting for duty!"

"Just because I am the Sewing Club President does not mean that I am a sewer. The correct term's tailor."

"Sorry, Mister. Are your arms better? I heard they were damaged when you were in a fight. You know the one... in the sewers?"

"... Please don't mention that again. It's a sore point. Or, rather, two. Anyway, while the contestants get ready, we should introduce ourselves. As I said, I'm the Sewing Club President. My hobby is making deadly garments and I guess I also play mahjong. What about you?"

"I'm Mankanshoku Mataro and I've just come back from Honnouji where I was hiding from the COVERS for my life! I've been playing mahjong my whole life with my family. When there weren't as many suit aliens around, me and my friends got a few mahjong games down too. Losers had to be the next to find food outside. And, well, I'm still here."

"And I do believe that covers our credentials. It seems the contestants have now taken their seats at the table, and are ready to start. Don't be afraid to let your voice out and show them your support! The speakers in that room haven't been switched off yet, so they can hear everything we're saying."

"And so, without further ado... In the East chair, we have a familiar face to all of us in the base, whether as a teacher or fellow soldier or an annoying spy you had to pretend not to know about. This is the operator of the Dotonbori Robo-"

("D T R!" Mikisugi yelled from inside the room, thereby ruining his introduction.)

"-Mr. DoTONbori ROBOOOOO... MIKISUGI AIKUROU!"

"Past data on Mikisugi is scant. However, based on what we could find, a tendency to open hands is evident."

"That play style's really like a true Nudist!"

"Well observed. Though whether this will serve him well in this game will be seen."

"My turn to introduce the South player! It's the hot lady who saved me... JAKUZURE NONON! Or should that be Nanan?"

"Please have some standards, Mataro. Or we'll lose what little listeners we already have."

"Sorry."

"No, you aren't. Anyway, Jakuzure's place is significant as the Elite Four actually held a selection tournament prior to this match. But that's a long story, so maybe more on that later. Suffice to say, she powered through on her intuition-based playstyle and came out top!"

"Something occult like that is impossible!"

"GUTS!"

"How did that dog get in here!? And where's my pincushion?"

"You got sharp senses, Mister! Here you go. Guts is pretty good at digging his way into things and coming out with stuff."

"You know, I think I know why you never lost any mahjong games when you were stuck in Honnouji now. At any rate, in the West chair, we have our resident doctor... MANKANSHOKU BARAZO! There doesn't seem to be much data on him at all. What do you have to say, Mataro?"

"All I know is that my dad's the best doctor ever! Everyone who leaves our clinic is happy!"

"Indeed. I owe him a great deal. Most of us do! So let's expect great things from our resident YAMI ISHA!"

"So who's the last player in the game, Mister? I can't think of anyone with a dumb joke to make that fits the North chair."

"Neither could the organisers, apparently. That's why the place was up for grabs in an open tournament! Want to take a guess as to who got the spot? I'll give you a hint: Data."

"Whaaaaat? But the only guy I can think of is that guy from the Elite-"

"FOOOR SURE! You're right! It's Inumuta Houka! He lost the Elite Four prelims by 400 points, but he's here to get his revenge! We will see if this second chance gives him the end he wants! If there's anyone who can exploit what data there is available in order to get the edge, it's our former head of information and strategy!"

"GUTS!"

"Spoken like a true friend. And now that introductions are done, it's time to mute the speakers on the players' side. We wouldn't want to disrupt their focus, after all. Good luck!"

* * *

As Inumuta sat through the increasingly unbearable introductions, his lips grew thinner and thinner. Well, not that anybody else could actually see.

He met Jakuzure's gaze and immediately wished he hadn't. "What are you doing here, Doggy?" she asked with a smirk. "I thought I bumped you off in the prelim!"

Inumuta scowled. "I secured my entry through the open tournament. The one that people without bad-joke rights have to fight for a place in."

Jakuzure narrowed her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Inumuta smirked. "Whatever you think it means."

"Don't get so cocky. You didn't even get a bad joke in your intro! I beat you in the Elite Four prelims fair and square, and I'll do it again!"

"Stop bickering and start getting ready," Mikisugi said smoothly. There was a suspicious glow emitting from under the table, and Inumuta had to try very hard not to look. "These tiles aren't going to shuffle themselves."

'_If you know what I mean_' floated like haze in the background, and both Elite Four members were forced to call a temporary truce and do as they were told. At least this meant that there was something else to focus on.

"Ah..." Barazo joined in the shuffling, blissfully immune to Mikisugi's glowing body parts. "Youth."

* * *

**Next time:** More bad puns and hopefully some mahjong.


	2. Absolute KANnage

**Notes: **Judging from the amount of follows this story got (but no actual reviews, I SEE HOW THIS IS), there are actually people interested in this!

_But – why!?_

* * *

**Chapter 2: Absolute KANnage**

* * *

"So... you're Mankanshoku-san?" Inumuta asked as they built their wall.

"Hm? Yes," Barazo answered, putting the final touches onto his wall and making sure that it was aligned properly.

"You're good at building the wall," Inumuta said grudgingly, only having just completed the first layer himself.

"Thanks, kid. You don't get these coordination skills through stuffing your face with croquettes, you know. Anyway, why ask? You interested in my business? Got a few friends you want to introduce?"

"Not on your life," Inumuta said hastily. "But so, Mankanshoku-san... you win _mangans_?"

"WHAT?"

The three men looked at the source of the shriek. (Barazo had to exert considerably less effort.)

Nonon had stopped building her wall (which was, incidentally, standing at about 10 tiles strong). She had stood up, making her about Barazo's height, and her finger was in his face.

"_Mangans_ are drawn to you!?" she demanded.

"Er." Barazo wrenched his gaze away in order to avoid becoming cross-eyed. "You could say that."

"How is this fair?" Nonon was louder now. She met both Mikisugi and Inumuta's gazes, and then looked towards the door, at where she knew the camera was. Her voice rose in a crescendo. "This isn't fair! This ruins everything!"

"What are you on about?" Mikisugi asked, his wall now complete and shining almost as brightly as that-which-must-not-be-named under the table.

"You'll have to excuse her," Inumuta said. "She gets like this. Analog players, you know. Gut feeling and all that."

"Shut up, you stupid dog!" Nonon yelled. "You think it's all superstition, but I showed you, didn't I? I don't care if you don't believe it or not, it's real! I don't wanna play with him! He's too IMBA!"

"Well, it's just something that you'll have to deal with, then, isn't it?" Mikisugi's smooth voice cut across her wails. For a moment, he sounded almost like a teacher.

"Unless you're just putting up a show because you're too scared to play for keeps." Inumuta didn't try to make his tone sound less mocking as hard as he really should have.

Nonon paused and went very still. Then she laughed, short and chortling laughs.

"Oh, no," she said in a very different voice. "That's something else entirely."

"Well, then hurry up already," Mikisugi said. "You're the only one with an incomplete wall."

* * *

Mikisugi's dealership passed uneventfully. Inumuta got an early _riichi _in, and when the wall ran out, no one else was _tenpai_. Inumuta collected his 3,000 points with a smug smile, and the dealership passed to Nonon.

"_Ron_. Double _ton,_ 2 _dora_s. 12,000 points!"

Barazo dutifully counted up his point sticks and handed them over to Nonon. "Well, aren't you a_dora_ble."

Nonon's saccharine-sweet smile froze. She turned to look at him.

"You know, Mankanshoku-san... I was going to keep this to myself, but then I decided I shouldn't."

"Hm?"

"It's not just that you win _mangans_, is it? You lose them too. Or am I wrong?"

Barazo smiled ruefully. "Now you see why you were complaining over nothing."

Nonon only smirked, and placed her _renchan_ stick on the table. As they started to build their wall, Barazo could only imagine what was going on in that scheming brain of hers. When Nonon finally finished her wall, the repeat round started, and the players drew their tiles.

The moment Nonon saw her full set of 14 tiles, the mood at the table changed. Or rather, her mood changed, and the waves of satisfaction emanating from her were so strong that everyone else felt them as well.

"Double _riichi_!" she declared, the 6-_pin_ tile hitting the table with a clack. For Barazo, who had just lost half his points to her the turn before, a dealer _riichi_ was probably the worst thing that could have happened.

Especially coupled with his own disappointingly _iishanten_ hand. What were the chances, right?

'Should I _chi_ and break her _ippatsu..._? But that would give me a terrible wait, no _yaku_, and a dangerous discard...'

He shook his head. 'No. I shouldn't. I have time.'

Barazo drew his tile, feeling very much like he was postponing his own execution, and then froze.

"Please be safe!" he yelled out as he flung out a 9-_man_ tile. It landed horizontally. "_If this passes_... Double _riichi_!"

Silence. Nonon looked bored, and gestured at Inumuta to continue.

As Barazo heaved a loud sigh of relief, Inumuta drew a tile. After a moment's deliberation, he placed a _sha_ down onto the table, also sideways.

"Double _riichi_."

Mikisugi's expression had not changed during these proceedings. Not that it was easy to tell, sunglasses and overwhelmingly bright spotlights and all. If you looked hard at his face as he drew his tile, you might have been able to detect a slight frown as he tried to figure out which of his tiles were safe.

Once he looked at his draw, though, his features uncreased.

"I don't think you'll be extorting any more points from this poor man this dealership, Jakuzure-san," he said, placing down another _sha_ tile. "In honour of the time I spent undercover at Honnouji Academy... Double _riichi_."

Barazo's eyes bogged out, and it took all his willpower not to let out a scream.

'Never mind the fact that that only helped me... What were the odds of that happening!?'

He picked up his _riichi_ stick, and watched as Inumuta and Nonon gave their _riichi_ sticks up without protest (the latter rolling her eyes as she did so).

'I'm playing with monsters!'

As he handed the stick over, his resolve hardened.

'I have to do _something_.'

* * *

**CURRENT SCORECOUNT:**

MIKISUGI 23,000

NONON 36,000

BARAZO 11,000

INUMUTA 26,000

POT 4,000

* * *

**Next:** Just what is Barazo planning? This and more as I try to stall even more from actually describing mahjong!


	3. CHI-p Hands

So I actually got someone with _riichi_ mahjong expertise A.K.A. the boyfriend to write out the match outline for the rest of the _hanchan_. So hopefully the result will be a wacky punnerific (my contribution) and interesting (his contribution) mahjong game!

* * *

**Chapter 3: CHI-p Hands**

* * *

'Deep breaths, Barazo. Calm and steady. Just like when you're performing your back-alley surgeries. You can do this.'

Barazo's eyes were peeled when they started shuffling, as he tried to keep track of the tiles.

'I can't be taking any chances,' he thought. 'Gotta win big and end it. I won't have much time before they catch on.'

He hadn't needed to use this trick for a while, so he was desperately trying to remember how to pull it off. The concept was easy. Build the wall to rig your own draws. The hand to aim for was easy, too. None of that other fancy stuff, just the traditional _suuankou tanki_ would do. Easy to set up, easy to sum up with a glance.

Because, really, what was subtlety anyway?

Making several quick last-minute calculations, Barazo quickly built the wall on his side and even helped the people next to him for good measure. Including Nonon. _Especially_ Nonon. Good thing she was so slow at building the wall.

"You really wanna hasten your doom, don't you, Mankanshoku," she said dubiously. He let the jibe slide.

When they were finally done, Barazo grabbed the dice as delicately as his massive ham hands could.

He threw the dice.

* * *

Mikisugi raised his eyebrows (hidden beneath his fluffy hair) as he surveyed the three _aka-dora_s in his hand. Okay, they usually came to him along the course of games anyway. Perhaps it was his way of life reflected in these shiny tiles. But three in his starting hand? Not just that, but the two _ankous_ hiding in his hand?

Something was definitely up.

It was pretty obvious that the back-alley doctor was trying something, but Mikisugi was more of a 'let them wring their own necks with their own bluffs' type of guy. At least, he had been in Honnouji Academy. Playing in the presence of two former Elite Fours was probably bringing him back to those days.

Still, 'let them self-destruct' didn't necessary translate to 'sit back and do nothing'. Mikisugi was sitting on a minimum-7700-point hand, and he'd be damned if he didn't use it to level the playing field. Get Jakuzure off her high horse a bit.

"_Chi_," he said, snapping up Inumuta's 9-_pin_ right off the bat. One more triplet and the other eye left. If things went well, he could be cruising into second place. If things went _really_ well, then first place, though he didn't really think that Jakuzure would play into him so easily.

In the next turn, opportunity presented itself again.

"_Kan._" Mikisugi smoothly picked up the Mankanshoku's 5-_man_, noting the intakes of breath as he flipped it over and instead exposed both his _aka-doras_ with relish. No point in hiding them. They'd realise the _manzu_ suit had two _aka-dora_s soon enough.

"What's up?" he said, unable to resist making a jibe. "You shocked, Mankan_shock-you_?" _Though that's hardly surprising, given your name_, he at least had the decency to keep to himself.

Jakuzure's smile became noticeably strained, and Inumuta's brows drooped. Judging by the rumours of what had happened in the Elite Four preliminaries, Mikisugi was willing to bet that he was trying to keep his composure right about now. Were these kids repulsed by stupid puns? This was some delicious data he had just confirmed the validity of.

Mankanshoku didn't respond. Whatever he had been planning to do had probably gone horribly wrong. Mikisugi almost felt sorry for the guy.

Though his next _tsumo_ was uneventful, the first of his final two missing links presented themselves swiftly after his discard.

"Can you stop messing up the flow?" Jakuzure griped as he collected her tile to complete his _pon_, and Mikisugi turned to her with a smile as brilliant as what was hiding under the table.

"Don't begrudge someone for your lack of _dora_-ive," he said, and Jakuzure snarled.

"That's it!" she shrieked with such ferocity that it took him aback. "That's the third pun in the space of ten minutes! I thought I was done with this after I beat that monkey in the prelims!"

"I don't think you should be too proud of beating a blind man," Inumuta said.

"I beat _you_ too, smarty-pants," Jakuzure fired back. "Anyway. You want this, don't you, Mankanshoku?" She threw down a 3-_sou_. "Pick a better wait next time! Seriously!"

Mankanshoku blinked, then reached out for it. "_Ron_," he added, almost as an afterthought. "Double _ton_. 3,500 points."

* * *

By the grace of God, Mankanshoku Barazo had retained his dealership _and_ managed to get his hands on the deliciously-sized pot. Wait, if he continued down that trend of thought, it would mean that his personal God figure was a freedom fighter who liked to cavort around in the nude, so he quickly nipped it in the bud.

His attempt at the _tsumi-komi_... had failed disastrously. Well. You could say he'd had it _komi_ng. After all, he hadn't had the chance to try that trick for years, since his family was way too sharp for any of that business. Sukuyo always got mad whenever he tried to cheat in their family games, which would mean no croquettes for his dinner. Barazo had learned to live vicariously through the wins of his much more skilled son...

No, this was the wrong time to be having a touching flashback. It wasn't like he was doing particularly badly in the game. 18,500 points was nothing to sneeze at. It was a daring comeback from his low of 11,000, after all. He was already more than halfway back to breaking even! And that was hell of a depressing thought, so let's leave it at that!

Much less helpful with the wall this time, he took the time Nonon-chan was taking to build her wall (she narrowed her eyes, probably annoyed he wasn't helping anymore, not like he cared) to think of a different strategy.

He was already halfway to making a glorious comeback. Now was the time to press on.

Well, maybe not strictly now. Shades must have noticed something was off with his starting hand last round. No, Barazo would play it safe and try to get another win. Try to follow Shades' lead, at least for a little while. Because if bad jokes were the two young'uns' weakness, well, Barazo had them up his sleeves in spades. But first, above all, keep it looking natural this round.

So, _naturally_, it was necessary for him to perform the ol' switcheroo between his wall and his hand in the fourth turn. He built his wall quickly and messily for a reason, after all.

"_Ron_, _tanyao_. 2,400 points."

* * *

If you told Inumuta that he'd be participating in this farce of a mahjong game two months ago, he'd probably laugh at you.

If you told him that he'd be tackling it with only vengeance on his mind, he'd probably scoff and then quickly demote you and your entire family to No-Star status for daring to insinuate that he would be beaten at this most data-driven of sports.

Right now, he didn't think he was doing too badly. Still floating above even, just barely positive, but, nonetheless, _positive_.

'Fat lot of good gradually becoming more and more positive did you in the prelims, though,' his subconscious offered up. Inumuta pushed the thought back down and assessed his hand, the last bit of data he needed to make a preliminary assessment for this round.

He hadn't missed the fleeting tightening of Mikisugi's lips when he saw his hand. It was probably awful.

Mankanshoku had been winning a series of cheap hands the past few rounds. Unless he was hiding a good hand behind that perpetually genial grin of his, he would probably try to go for more of them to prolong his dealership.

And Jakuzure... she'd lost a little bit more of her ill-gotten gains the previous round. Served her right. She had probably wanted to change the flow or something asinine like that. She probably wouldn't try anything much this turn, not wanting to go against this flow.

And his own hand? He had two _nan_s, his seat wind. The rest of the hand, he could work with.

The final result of his preliminary assessment: Go for it.

Inumuta drawled out a "_Pon_" after Mikisugi's first discard, ruling the wind tiles to the edge of his table corner with his slender fingers. The only one he needed to keep an eye out for was Mankanshoku.

10 turns later, and the game was still plodding on. It was by now even clear to the clueless that Jakuzure was bailing (she was even _copying_ his and Mankanshoku's discards, how boring) and that Mikisugi was still helplessly trying to cobble something together from his almost-but-not-quite-_kyuushukyuuhai_ starting hand (Inumuta was 99.5% sure he had started with 7 or 8 _kokushi_ tiles). Inumuta himself had managed to assemble a more or less _iishanten_ hand, keeping his discards safe and watching Mankanshoku closely. But with two _tons_ already in the river and a whole treasure trove of honours in Jakuzure's discard pile, his cheap hand was probably not meant to be. If he could've won with a _kuitan_, he probably would have done so already as well. Finally, judging by what was in the river, Mankanshoku's discards didn't look particularly representative of a person building a large hand.

Inumuta took the leap, and made his hand _tenpai._ Of course, his discard was safe.

And when Inumuta _tsumo_ed his winning tile the next turn ("_Nan_, 1 _dora_"), well, the knowledge that he had disarmed Mankanshoku and weathered all the others' first dealerships to tie for first place was very sweet indeed.

* * *

**CURRENT SCORECOUNT:**

MIKISUGI 22,100

NONON 29,200

BARAZO 19,500

INUMUTA 29,200

POT 0

* * *

**Next: **Inumuta turns his data goggles onto everybody, Nonon follows the all-knowing flow, Barazo doesn't give up on his dirty ways, and Mikisugi ramps up his _dora_-hogging to unacceptable levels.

Hopefully to follow this chapter's trend of updating more than once every five months.


End file.
